Wednesday, April 25, 2007

"You don't have a monopoly on suffering.."
- Julian (Children of Men)

..and neither do i.
a mistake i made
when i was
younger is that
i imagined that i did.

i imagined the world as
perpetrators of my own pain,
and that they are incapable
of empathising with me because
the depth of my suffering
is not as lucid as theirs.
my juvenile mind conceptualized
plenty of conspiracy theories;
it blamed the world for
inflicting pain unto me.

these days,
i am less irrational.

in truth,
we all have our pain, and
pain is all the same.
some talk about it, some don't.
some deal, some don't.

verbalizing pain does not
make one any more pitiful
than another who
takes pain as a
private affair.

we all have a softest spot,
a difficult matter we don't want
to talk about,
a couple of skeletons in the closet...
venturing into those grounds
forces us to face our
weaker selves, our uglier selves.

for me
there's always much discomfort
in looking back,
reviewing my performance
as a person is always a terrible
blow to the selfesteem.

i am selfish-
my love is never unconditional.
my love has always been asked to
be loved in return, or
a tool to facilitate
my loving myself.

i hold plenty of grudges,
i hardly forget-
for the PR exercise, i forgive,
but i always have something terrible
to remember about everyone.
i am a hypocrite,
because i fear the day the
world retaliates.

for me, EQ is about degenerating
yourself into that gooey thing,
so that you can better
fit into the mould-
when the occasion calls for it.
by all means, be a terrible person if
you must, just make it private.

ive said plenty of things
i shouldnt,
missed the chance to love
the people i could,
done pretty silly things
among many other things...
i am flawed and i err.

i could be that Virginia Tech
dude minus the theatrics,
plus some sense of humour.
but inside of me
there's a conscience that saves
me from myself.

春风吹呀吹
吹动树枝头
抖落一地愁
烦恼不再有

7:06 PM

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

the strains of
loitering into the Adult-territories.

i resent this
adult world thats unforgiving,
conniving and less than sympathetic.
not that this is any different from the
kid world,
but adults have the ability to
amplify their displeasures a thousandfold
by seeming like they make a hell lot of sense.
kids who attempt this cant carry
it off, and most times end up
spurting ridiculous nonsense
thats easier to ignore.

the sudden invalidity of privileges like
the Benefit Of Doubt, Child Fares,
and Forgiveness are
also hard to swallow.

judging from some
decisions made by Friends,
it seems to me that they
are in a
hurry to enter adulthood.
why.

ageing is sad.
i remember being Great.
at one point in my life i was
the yes-man,
i was nice.
i was not irritable.

but ageing is also interesting,
you go from cutesy to angsty
to resigned then jaded.

now that im quite over angst,
im mostly resigned.

these days
i take the laissez faire
approach in socialising,
and keep myself the least
updated of recent happenings.
its a far cry from the
prying creature
who had something to say in everyone's
matters that i was
some years back.

on the upside
because of the apathy that i am
training myself to be conditioned to,
i have become civil towards people
who are terribly different from me.

i am not only tolerant of these
people who, in my opinion, are strange
(encompasses a wide deal of people
ive met in these recent years)
i am able to interact with them
a la Friends Forever.

im excited to know
what i'll be capable of in
another couple of years
:D

10:38 PM

Saturday, April 14, 2007

i made some rentals
at videoezy
albeit running the risk
of furthur jeopardizing my
already not-so-optimistic
financial status.

i like tv,
i like the relationship i share
with
the world on the other side of
the screen - they ignore me
while i stare at them.
its great.

fahrenheit911 got disturbing
after a while.
moore's a psychotic radical
but i see where he's coming from.

yes, The World depresses me
on days i decide
to quit being
caught up in myself.

iraq is a bloody mess,
politicians take us ordinary civillians
as subjects of their PR exercises,
the earth is feverish,
a good proportion of the world
is perpetually hungry,
while i, like most of the world,
am unable to come up with any brilliant
idea to remedy all of these bullcrap.

the daily frustrations and
dilemma
of how many packets of tissues
i should
buy from that Aunty before she can
afford to stop selling them

and how long a way my
convenient, sometimes careless,
monetary goodwill can go;
whether or not i am right
to motivate
whoever's behind the idea of putting
the dude suffering from
Cerebral palsy-
who clearly looks uncomfortable-
out at the bus
interchange to beg for coins.

life is tiring, when you can't
look at your
da-baoed cai fan in styrofoam box
without being reminded that
you just played
a part in murdering mother nature.

life is tiring when
you can't have a peaceful
train ride without
being told over and over
than somebody's bag might
just blow up in your face.

how not to be tempted to creep
back into self-indulgence where
we concentrate wholly
on our simpler,
shallower personal lives?

the inconvenience,
the unpracticality
of being extraordinary,
of "being the change you want to
see in the world"
puts out that fire
a little bit, every time.

most of us are resigned,
because of how we already
struggle to take
control over life
within our own circle,
what more,
go through the trouble of
changing the world.

we are mostly comforted that
we dedicate at least some
moments of our lives
bothering to see
the world beyond ourselves.
but for bulk of the rest of the time,
we proceed with our unapologetic,
selfabsorbed lives.

8:02 PM

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

10:31 AM

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

why should it be okay?

it is, after all,
sometimes too exhausting when the mind
punishes the soul with every
reminder of the forbidden;
it disallows me from being
at peace with myself.
your eventual
imperturbable composure,
cool apathy is tiring to recall.

i dont think i allow myself
too much of this,
i am not proud of
being unable to be alright.

i dislike the futility of the situation,
because it tends to blow up into
a very emotionally debilitating issue.

but its nothing huge,
i never let it be.

so i guess this is how the
cookie chooses to crumble.

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles

8:43 PM